Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why not me, God?

I have yet to experience the intensity of emotions regarding last year’s sequence of events as I have tonight. It could be hormones, exhaustion, situational, spiritual attack, growth, or all of the above. As I lay in bed, I relived the three suicide attempts of last year. I felt the fear, despair, lack of control of my behaviors, shame, and total detachment from the world around me. Still grappling with the idea that it was out of my control, I asked God, “why me?” I found myself asking Him not “Why did you let me go through that”, but “Why did you spare me?” With the news of a local suicide of a young girl, only 14, I wept and questioned God’s hand in that situation. She was so young, with no apparent history of mental illness. She supposedly was not serious in her attempt, but she succeeded, rather, the enemy succeeded in taking her off of this earth. Why did you allow me to survive, not once, but three times, when I should have died? I am no better than she is, nor do You love me more than You love her. Your plan for me is no greater than your plans for her. I don’t understand Your permissive will, Lord. You stepped in and supernaturally spared me. I didn’t deserve it. Yes, it was medical malpractice that took me to the place of trying to take my life, but you allow other events of medical malpractice to take lives.

It is all because of Jesus that I am alive, so why is this little girl not alive? Why is she in the grave tonight, and I am not? Why am I here lying in my bed, reliving those events with such pain and anguish? I would so much rather be lying in this bed of pain than be lying in the sleep of death. Even the thought of being in heaven with my Jesus, though wonderful, is not where I desire to be right now. I am so glad to be here on earth, living my thirtieth-plus chance, ready to fight the enemy and shine a light in the dark world.
So I cannot understand why I am alive. I cannot understand why this precious one is not alive. Reading The Shack tonight, I cannot understand why Missy died and Mack didn’t in his car accident. It is ok not to understand. There is evil in this world. There is redemption. Satan is active, but God is the Victor. I am thankful to be alive. I will fight for those who fall victim to the enemy. I have a high calling, one that is designed to touch many lives. I will stand in the gap for those who can’t stand up for themselves. I will fight for those like this young victim of the evil of suicide. My intensity of cold, hard emotions has melted into a warm bath of thankfulness, gratitude, and rest.
I am alive to carry life to a dying world. In His mercy, God spared me. One thing I understand is this: My life is His, and I am hidden in Christ. His life is my source, and there is no other fountain of life. So here I stand, alive in Him, to live for His glory, loving back to LIFE those in this world who are dying.


  1. I give Him thanks for sparing you - and am very proud to be part of your life.

  2. Your story is an amazing story of our father's grace and redemption. I love your honesty of your past (cause I believe we all can relate somehow through all of our life's challenges;I believe that's why Beth Moore is so popular, because of her sincerity) You truely have a talent! It was such an inspiring page for me to read before I lay my head down to sleep! thanks I enjoyed it thouroughly and plan to read many more!!!