You Hold Everything Together

“ And He [Jesus] existed before all things, and in Him all things consist, cohere, and are held together.”

I found myself caught up in the rat race of striving and straining in class. I got a B+ on the first test of my graduate school career, and I was furious. I worked so hard. I thought I was smarter than that. It was easy. It is so simple, really. So how did I get it wrong? (Oh wait, there is the shame-based perfectionism thing again!) But the Lord has called me to greater things than “making the grade.” He has called me to actively participate in this process of learning. My wonderful roommate tonight sat in her chair and confidently said to me in her rich, beautiful accent, “you can enjoy this process. You don’t have to constantly strive to get the grade.” I can participate in the Lord’s wisdom, and learn on deeper levels than multiple choice and true/false. Granted, a certain GPA is required to maintain scholarships, ect. The Lord will guide me, however, and He will reward me as I faithfully pursue Him, His wisdom, and do an appropriate amount of work and study. I love to learn. I take delight in reading and writing and dialoging with professors and students. I also love to have fun, watch 30 Rock re-runs, take walks around campus, go to the mall, goof off, and participate in life. I have the privilege of making mistakes and learning from them. I have the grace to not do everything perfect or to always get an A. The Lord has covered me with His grace and His favor, and I can actively rest, knowing that He is the greatest wisdom and truth. He holds this together. He existed before the grading scale.

This learning process is part of the journey. This graduate school experience is taking me to a place of greater effectiveness for caring for hurting souls and ministering to a lost world, more specifically, to desperately broken young girls and women. My heart is for them, and I will continue to remember them before I give into pride and perfectionism.

I started to get haughty. I started to place too much confidence in the flesh, in my own mental capacities, and in my own power and study skills. I had to be humbled in order to recognize that the Lord is my wisdom. He can orchestrate a test with questions to stump me just so I can get knocked off of my high horse of academic overconfidence. He holds all things together. I am a steward of this mind and of this gift of education. Therefore, I will be diligent to do the studying and preparation appropriate for my classes. I will not, however, neglect the higher callings for the sake of a superficial number on a sheet of paper, even if it is in red. These red letters are not the words of Christ. They are letters of a human measuring stick, flawed at best, that does not see into my heart or even into my mind. What is the deal with me and numbers? Weights, grades, finances….too bad for measurements!

I surrender my worship of the “almighty grade” unto the Lord, so that I can exalt Him as the ruler of my life. Once again, for the millionth time, He reminds me, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn of me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” In the sweet knowledge that this is all created for His service, that He holds tomorrow’s test in His hand, and that He holds this world together, I can lay my head on my pillow, recognize Him as the center, and rest.