Orientation

Today held a lot of significance in the healing process for me. As all of the new students have arrived on campus, I have found myself experimenting on self-disclosure. People here are incredibly kind, friendly, and sincere. It is a great environment. I also fear some judgment and condemnation (based on my own judgment and condemnation but also based on experiences at church and at college).
I see some similarities between my orientation at Asbury College eight years ago and my orientation at Asbury Seminary today. It two days, non-stop. It is exhausting, with tons of stimulation, overwhelming numbers of people, loads of information, and excessive emotion. We are divided into TAG (transition and guidance) groups, which include 8-14 people with two students as the leaders. Fortunately, both in college and in seminary, I have had the opportunity to arrive on campus early, and I have not been as overwhelmed by the "newness" of the campus while trying to get to know tons of new people. I feel almost seasoned enough to give a tour myself.
As I entered college, I had made significant strides out of the eating disorder. I considered it to be on its way out of my life. As I enter graduate school, once again, I see the eating disorder as part of my history, however recent. My goal with college was the leave the eating disorder behind, but as I shared life with fellow students, I disclosed parts of my "history" that turned out to be much more present than I wanted to acknowledge. I began to enter into the role that I set up for myself. I believe with tentative reservation that I am at a greater place of understanding now, but I face the same dilemma. I am no longer defined by anorexia. I never want to be identified with it or defined by it again. The problem, however, is that when asked, "what brought you here to Asbury?" or "will you tell me about your journey?" I have to figure out a balance between over-transparency and hiding. I am not ashamed of who I am, and I know that I am not condemned. Though our group setting was intimate tonight, it seemed that it was not appropriate to disclose anything more specific than a "prolonged illness" that detoured my path. I do not want to step into a relationship and open up too much too soon. You cannot suck words back into your mouth. But I don't want to veil all of my words with this vague cloak of generalization when presenting my testimony (which was very much what I felt like I was doing tonight). I felt like I was wading through this marsh of "code language." I don't want to walk around with a scarlet "A" on my chest. But I don't want to hide in the shadows, trying to not be found out. I was so nervous about not exposing myself that I was jumbling up my message tremendously.
It is hard not wanting to be defined by something while remembering that it has truly been deeply involved in the process of becoming who I am.
So, tonight, I was vague. But when it was over, I think that I conveyed the message well enough. There was great support, encouragement, and several people thanked me for what I shared. I know that doors were opened, and those who want to know me more deeply will invite me into a place of deeper levels of disclosure at the right time. With that disclosure, I will not enter into the "role" that I jumped back into in college. As I look back over the ever-increasing distance between the present freedom and the past bondage, I will be reminded that I never want to go back and that I am so thankful that what the enemy intended for harm God has used for good. And eight years later, praise the Lord that graduate school is NOT a repeat of college.

The Mercy Ring

As I walked on the tread-climber today, my mercy ring caught my eye. Honestly, I never take it off, except to wash dishes. I think that it is beautiful, not necessarily because of its physical appearance. It might not be a size and style that I would pick for my finger, and people are often asking if I am married or engaged. I gaze at it and love it with such a fierce passion because of what it represents. It screams “freedom” to me. It tells the story of my transformation every time it catches my eye. It reminds me of the liberty and release from bondage as one who was lost but now is found. It speaks to me the pervasive presence of the Holy Trinity in my life.

Samuel, as he was leading the Israelites in their smiting of the Philistines, took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, declaring, “thus far the Lord has helped us.” I stand between the place of promise and the promised land, saying the same thing that Samuel did as he firmly planted the Ebenezer stone in the ground.

IN [this] freedom Christ has made us free [and completely liberated us]; stand fast then, and do not be hampered and held ensnared and submit again to a yoke of slavery [which you have once put off]. Galatians 5:1

Paul is absolutely relevant for today as he is speaking to the church of Galatia. God has set me free. He has liberated me from the chains of anorexia and depression that once choked and almost killed me. I am COMPLETELY liberated, according to the Amplified version. Paul declares the freedom of the believer. He then commands each individual to STAND FAST. He continually refers to this freedom throughout the book of Galatians, because the church has forgotten her freedom. She is running back to the worship of the law and its mandates. They have put off the yoke of slavery, but they are not immune to its mesmerizing appeal. Why is it so attractive? It was hell on earth. My life before mercy was 14 years of despair, bondage, and death. My life since mercy, while containing multiple struggles and devastating circumstances, has been full of joy, hope, favor, and blessing. I CAN go back to the yoke of slavery, but I CHOOSE not to. I CHOOSE to recall to my mind the works that the Lord has done and the wonderful consequences of obedience.

As I walked the tread climber today, I was reminded of my limits. After a decade of bondage to excessive exercise, I have sought to honor the Lord with my body through moderate activity. My limit is thirty minutes. I can do less, but I cannot do more. The flesh screams more. Five more minutes would not be detrimental, according to the sin nature fed by the lies of the enemy. My soulish nature today said, “A little more would be ok.” Then I saw the glistening of the stones in my ring. I recalled the freedom, and I chose through the power of the Lord my liberator to stand fast. I have been asked to participate in cycle classes that last an hour. For some people, that may be fine. For me, it is crossing the line into potential idolatry. God directs my eyes to my right hand, and I say “no thanks.” Sometimes it opens wide a door to share my testimony.

As I open my eyes in the morning, I stretch and the sun catches my ring. I remember how God’s word has sustained me and brought forth freedom into my life. His word has replaced the lies with the truth. The bed is so comfortable, and an hour more of sleep would feel so good. The Spirit whispers a reminder of the vital need that I have for sustenance through the feast of His word. I rise and enjoy my first meal of the day with my Lord. I look back and I see the progressive work of God’s renewal of my mind as I allowed His word to replace the lies of the eating disorder. My ring reminds me of the truth, which has set me free. My ring also calls me to walk in that freedom through abiding in the Vine. In this, I STAND FAST.

It is 11:45 AM. I face the hardest meal of the day: Lunch. I don’t know why it has always been so difficult, but my flesh still begs me to compromise. I open the refrigerator, at a loss. I shift my gaze to the gleaming of the silver that dances on my finger. I remember the glorious realization that my body needs food on a regular basis. I remember that my body did not blow up as a result of eating a healthy balanced lunch during my time at mercy. I look into the refrigerator with renewed zest and determination. I act out the call of my mercy ring. It says to STAND FIRM and not to fall back into the yoke of slavery to restriction the demands more and more calorie cutting and meal skipping. I will not be mastered again by a false god of my own making.

In its own basic substance, my mercy ring holds no power. It is the voice of the Lord that whispers as He reminds me of His wonderful works of healing through His great mercy that brought me to the place where Nancy slid the ring on my finger, and I declared, “SATAN HAS BEEN DEFEATED!” I cannot forget what the Lord has done in my life as long as I keep tangible reminders of the milestones and victories that He has accomplished. I am so thankful for the Ebenezer stone, which is my mercy ring. I look at my tri-stone ring and declare, “thus far the Lord has helped me.” Why would He stop now?

How I walk out recovery

I employ the Nike slogan "just do it."
I evaluate the discrepancies between my behavior and my words.
I open my days and close my days with the truths that are to replace the lies. I spend them in the Bible and in prayer.
I keep it real with accountability and my treatment team.
I recognize that recovery is a process, and there is joy in the journey.
I realize that I cannot "negotiate" with the eating disorder. I am either on its side, or I am battling against it.
I see that the thoughts about size, weight, and food are symptoms of deeper issues, and I explore the true issues rather than give in hook, line, and sinker to the lies.
When I want to work out to burn calories, control emotions, or feel thin, I refuse to work out.
When the ED tells me to do one thing, I do the opposite.
I recognize fears as indicators of areas of potential growth.
I continually recall to memory the milestones and recovery points that I have crossed.
I give to others and get out of my me, me, me mentality.
I spend time with children.
I dream about and plan my future that can only take place if I continue in recovery.
I sit at the feet of Jesus and behold His face.
I spend time outside, soaking up vitamin D.
I write my victories and struggles.
I take time to rest and listen to my body.
I incorperate fun into my daily life.
I set healthy boundaries with myself, family, and friends.
I refuse to settle for anything less than complete freedom.
I remember that things often seem a lot worse at night than in the morning.
I worship.

You Wear Christ Well

I believe that God has truly delivered me, and that I have been walking out freedom in so many ways. Throughout the past couple months, however, I have become aware of bondage to the number on the tag of my clothing. Why does this number have such a hold on me, when it is so changeable? The actual size and fit of pants varies with the store, cut, color, and even just individual pairs of pants. Today’s society has taught young girls and women to attach value to ourselves based on the tag attached to the inside of our clothing. No one will see these tags, and they are in reality arbitrary. There is no consistency. For men, clothing is sized my actual measurements. For women, however, clothing is sized by whim of the designer. It is tragic, because our emotional state can often depend on the number in our clothing. How sad!
I was challenged this week to study what God’s word says about clothing and what being clothed really means. Wow. I am so in awe of the relevance of the word of God to today’s problems. It speaks to every issue that we may face in our daily life. There are days where I dread getting up in the morning just because I am afraid of how my clothing will fit me that day. While my clothing most of the time fits the same, I should never base my emotional well being on the raiment which I choose to decorate my external body. I am so much more than my body, and my worth is of far more value than rubies or diamonds.
In my study of the word “clothe” in God’s word, I find it connected with pride or humility. As C. S. Lewis asserts, most of our issues in human morality are based in the root sin of pride, so this fact does not surprise me. In the Old Testament, I learned that to clothe means to wrap, put on, or arm. As we know, Adam and Eve were initially naked. While I am by no means advocating nudity (I like to stay out of jail), I am intrigued by the clothing situation in Eden. When they recognized their nakedness, they clothed themselves with leaves. God, however, who offered greater gifts than the two fruit -munchers could provide for themselves, gave them clothing made of animal skins. We have our ideas of luxury, but God’s definition is so much greater. The second parallel that I see in the Old Testament which also carries over into the New Testament is clothing in the context of arming one’s self. We are commanded to put on the armor of God. In the Old Testament, putting on armor was vital for survival in battle. This was a functional act, not so much an act of adornment or vanity. Finally, “to clothe” also holds a more figurative significance, where the garment has more abstract quality. This abstract quality can be positive (honor, dignity, humility, compassion), or it can be negative (disgrace, shame, desolation). In the case of Gideon, the Holy Spirit clothed Himself in Gideon’s body. It is amazing to think that our bodies can be the clothing for the Holy Spirit.
Another use of “clothe” is more functional. The purpose of this “girding’ is for labor, not decoration. It can also be seen as a badge of servitude. Here, we see humility as the key to this action. Instead of a size tag as a badge for identity, the simple apron is sufficient to show the nature of a servant. It is a token of deference, or respect and honor, for an Individual higher than one’s self.
In understanding Luke’s reference to the rich man clothed in purple and fine linen (like our desire to wear the best quality, most fashionable, smallest clothes possible), it is important to understand the definition of “clothe” which Luke uses. This form of “clothe” offers an implication of “sinking into” clothing. This sounds to me much more carnal and fleshly. Who wants to sink into their clothing? Do I want the Holy Spirit to robe Himself in my body, or do I want to sink into my own vanity’s perception of beauty and “acceptable sizes”?
Isaiah 52 says, “Awake, awake, put on your strength Oh Zion! Put on your beautiful garments.” I have a feeling that the garments referred to here transcend earthly robes. These are the garments of celebration, honor, and joy. Isaiah 61 says that God has clothed me with garments of salvation and a robe of righteousness. This description does not sound like it is attached to a specific size. Galatians 3 says to clothe ourselves with Christ. Colossians 3 tells us to clothe ourselves with a new spiritual self, which is in the process of being renewed and remolded into a more full and perfect knowledge after the image of Christ.
In further reading of Colossians 3, I am astounded that how we clothe ourselves is rooted in the identity that we have established. My identity for so long was so unstable, and it was rooted in whatever society and the enemy called acceptable and perfect. Now, my identity is found in Christ and what He calls me. This passage says that I am God’s chosen one, His own PICKED representative, purified, holy, and well-loved. How will I get out of bed in the morning with this knowledge? In understanding this, I cannot let the enemy deceive me anymore about where my true identity lies. My identity is in Christ. A recent sermon shed light on this subject when the speaker said that she wants to “wear Christ well.” I don’t want to wear a size zero well. I want to wear Christ well. Is my striving to fit into a certain size preventing me from being able to wear Christ as well as He has called me? Am I allowing the Holy Spirit to clothe me the way that Gideon allowed the Spirit to clothe him as he marched into battle, armed with power from on high?
Every day, I don’t want to step out of bed without putting on the armor of God: The helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the sword of the spirit, the belt of truth, the feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, binding them together with prayer. Without these, I am a walking target for the enemy. Carrying these, I can fight the lies about my size and my identity. I will wear clothing that fits my body, and I will wear Christ well. Whatever Christ calls me, I am. I am not defined by the tag on this inside of my pants. I am defined by the badge that God gives me, which says, “chosen, purified, well-loved.” Then, whatever size I may find myself, I know who I am and WHOSE I am. There is no more fear, only confidence clothed with humility. I don’t care so much about wearing my jeans well. I want to wear my Jesus well.

The Redemption of ED

The Redemption of “ED”
This weekend, I attended an incredible conference at a local seminary. C. J. Mahaney, a passionate, dynamic spokesperson for Christ, presented a beautiful picture of the story of the woman with the Alabaster flask in Mark 14. In this story, the ex-dead guy Lazarus is hosting a party. Simon the Leper, who is no longer leprous, is in attendance. Martha is scurrying around serving (her claim to fame). The disciples are enjoying the company of the miracle-Worker and the miracle-recipients. This is a party full of people who owe their lives to the Savior. No one would expect to be censured for their elaborate expression of worship in this setting. No Pharisees or Sadducees are around to cast judgment. Just the good-ole Jesus-lovin’ ragamuffins and fanatics. But the fanatics had no idea what true devotion looked like until this monumental, history-making night that would go down into the annals of gospel history. True worship of the God-Man would take a whole new form and reach a completely new level of intensity. Jesus says in response to the woman’s act of devotion, “wherever the gospel is preached, what she has done will be told in memory of her.” So why did those who were present censer and scold her? Was it because she was not “holy” enough? Was it because her behavior was too extreme and somewhat embarrassing?
This is a bit of a side-note, but in contemplating this act, I wonder what Jesus felt like…If the nard was running in His eyes, if His hair felt especially greasy, if he was overwhelmed with the intense fragrance of perfume. I would have been a little put out honestly. “Man, I was having this great time reclining with my friends, and now I have to go take a shower. My hair is all greasy and my eyes are stinging, and I smell like someone who just took a bath in very pungent perfume.” But maybe this is where I have a little progress to make in my conformity into the character of Christ. Returning from my rabbit trail, I reiterate the significance of this action. This act of service was so beautiful to our Lord, first of all, because it was helping Him to prepare for His death and burial—the death that we died with Him that day on the cross.
This act, as Mahaney put it, was an expression of EXTRAVAGANT DEVOTION. The perfume was worth more than a year’s worth of wages. It could have been used in much more “practical ways.” It could have fed the poor or been given to the church. Why waste it in a moment on something so seemingly trivial. But this woman new something that even the disciples failed to recognize: Her time with Jesus was limited. Her passion for her Lord transcended the rational, functional understanding. She was so enraptured and caught up in overwhelming gratitude for Christ that she did something “reprehensible” in the eyes of those who were considered to be the most devoted followers—the disciples. Are the disciples ashamed that they didn’t think of it first? Are they kicking themselves that they weren’t so grateful and lavish? Or are they embarrassed at this act of social inappropriateness? Are they mad because the “relaxed” and “familiar” atmosphere of the evening is ruined? Is their pride wounded that Jesus would be so responsive to this inconceivable act? Mahaney says that this act is evidence of genuine conversion.
Conversely, in this very moment, Judas is plotting his betrayal. Within the next several hours, he will commit the most odious act of betrayal known to man in handing Jesus over to the chief priests in the church. What a juxtaposition: Judas, who is completely absorbed in his own advancement and gain; this unnamed woman, who is completely captivated by her Deliverer.
As I was taking notes on Mahaney’s message, I went to abbreviate “extravagant devotion.” I tried to write “ED” for this term, and as I put the pen to my journal page, I couldn’t write those two letters in the context of such a sacred act. “ED” has always been an abbreviation for something so much more Judas-like. My eating disorder consumed my life. I denied my Savior through devotion to this personal agenda. I tried to “sell” Jesus to the chief priest of anorexia. I denied my Lord as I tried to punish myself for my sins that were made public spectacles of on the cross of Christ. As my pen hovered over the journal page in this moment of cognitive dissonance, God spoke to my heart. He said to me, “My child, I have traded the “ED” of your eating disorder for the “ED” of extravagant devotion”. I took my pen and wrote “ED” with a new meaning in mind. My Lord said, “I have redeemed you and bought you back from your slave-master. I have brought you to a place of genuine, heart-conversion. I have turned your ED to a new ED. Don’t be afraid of this new extravagant devotion. Don’t fear the reproach of those who think of your behavior as extreme and fanatical. My servants often break the societal norms in their deep gratitude for me. Their joy in My tender mercies and loving-kindness cannot be restrained by ‘scolding’ or ‘censorship.’ They will make waves. These waves are kingdom-building, gospel-spreading waves.”
In the conflict of this moment of decision, I realized my new identity and my new relationship with the dying Savior who made a public display and spectacle of my sins upon His and my cross.
Oh, Lord, let my affection for you be the thing that sets me apart from the culture of this world. Let this alteration in the tone of the message of the gospel increase the power of its impact on the lives of the recipients. Let my new “ED” be always an expression of my deep joy and gratitude of surveying the wondrous cross on which my Prince of Glory died.

Jesus-Awareness

Isn't it interesting that we have a week devoted to being "aware" eating disorders? After battling Anorexia for over 13 years and conquering it over the past year, I am so angry at the eating disorder for taking so much "awareness" from me already. I spent half of my life "aware" of my eating disorder. Finally, I have stepped out of the hyper-awareness into freedom from its dictatorship. A vital key to my transformation process was focusing my "awareness" on my Lord, others, and living life abundantly. Do we need heightened awareness of eating disorders, or do we need to become less aware of eating disorders? I do understand the argument that the purpose of this week is to increase the awareness of the general public of eating disorders, their manifestations, and effects. In light of this, however, lets take this week and make it a "life awareness" week for ourselves. Let's step out of our one-dimensional world of restriction, obsession, and compulsion. Let's take the risk and let go for long enough to grasp the fullness of the life beyond. Let's take this week and be aware of hope, life, and joy. Let's step out of our "perfect, silver cage" just long enough to taste the broken beauty of humanity, imperfection, pain, and passion. You may not want to go back into the cage of "eating disorder awareness."